thought you were beside me, but i looked and you were gone

I don't know when this blog became my journal.

I thought she was my best friend, and I thought that things would always remain that way between us. I thought that after last January, when her family was going through a very rough time and she felt so alone and I stood by her every step of the way, that we, together, would always remain a representation of true friendship. Even though we didn't go to the same school, we remained friends. The best of friends. And it was wonderful.

When we were kids, she was always the one to freak out when I did something that was unfamiliar. I bought a bracelet in Claire's once and she got upset because she thought that I was turning into a girly-girl. This was long time ago, and this controlling habit of hers eventually caused a huge fight between us that lasted for half a year. But we missed each other so much that we couldn't possibly remain apart, and we got back together, somehow even closer than before.

When things at her house went haywire last year, I spent so much time with her. I helped her through it as best I could, because that's what friends do. 

Time passed, and we somehow slowly grew out of contact. All of a sudden, she didn't reply to my texts or e-mails; when we did get a text conversation going, she only replied once or twice before stopping. I didn't know what was going on, but I figured she needed space or something. For a while, I let her be on her own. She was really busy, anyways. We missed each other's birthdays, but I didn't really mind.

Come November, I was on vacation, and I decided I'd go and visit my old school for lunch. I called her in advance, and she was excited. When I got there, and we reunited, it was just like old times.

Until I noticed that boy behind her.

And she told me he was her boyfriend.

I was floored. Him? That boy we used to tease at recess when we were younger? He was perfectly nice and all, really adorable if truth be told. I knew him. I knew her. And for the whole lunch time I sat with them and sort of . . . marveled. Her other friends at my old school stared at me. I used to know them, but they weren't as welcoming as I expected, so I guess I don't anymore.

After I left, I couldn't stop thinking about it. Her? My best friend, who used to be such a tomboy, dating. Dating him, since September. It was just too much of a surprise.

And then it hit me. That she hadn't told me. 

I knew we had grown apart a little, but this was something big. Why hadn't she told me, not even called or returned my messages? Was she afraid of what my reaction might be? 

I tried calling her our texting her or something afterwards, but it was like our meeting had never happened. She didn't reply at all. And I seemed to slowly realize that I had taken a backseat to her other friends and her new boyfriend.

i just don't know

is this natural or

does this normally happen

because i don't know what i did

is this partially my fault? should i have tried harder to keep in touch?

she doesn't owe me anything. the fact that I helped her last year doesn't mean that she owes me anything in return, not at all. 

but it hurts and i don't know what i did wrong