10 - brighter

you know what really sucks?

when your lifelong best friend's father leaves her family without a word, and she breaks and you try to help her. you stand by her side for each passing day and you watch her grow stronger and stronger and you don't even care if you'll make it out of this okay, you just wish she would be okay and you wish she would be happy again. even if everything else is going wrong, you know you'll always be there for her, because she's your best friend and you love her.

it really sucks when she's 100% better and things are looking up and you don't spend as much time with her as you used to, but you don't mind because you're so glad that she's finally okay. it's okay that she's stopped inviting you over to her house and never calls anymore. maybe she just needs space.

it really sucks when, after a near seven months of having been apart, you show up at your old school during lunchtime so that you can surprise her. when she sees you, she tackle-hugs you, and you suddenly feel full again, and stupid for having doubted her friendship. you think her excitement at seeing you again is proof enough that she's never stopped caring about you. until you see that boy standing behind her. you know the one - the one you knew in elementary school, whose hat you'd steal and race around madly on the playground with. she'd complain that he was gross, but you'd never say anything in reply because you kind of liked him. but that was so long ago, and she tells you that she's dating him now.

it really sucks when you haven't yet realized what that means. you're happy for her at first. she lights up around him, and he obviously cares about her a lot. but when you've heard all their cute stories and the day is over and you're driving home, it slowly dawns on you that the reason she hasn't stayed in touch with you is because she was busy with him. something about that irks you, but you brush off the feeling. it's only an infatuation, right? she's always been the kind of girl who grabbed the nearest person when something went wrong. it was always you, but now it's him. surely it won't last. surely she'll come back to you.

it really sucks when two more months pass and she still hasn't called. you barely know of her existence anymore, and you wonder if she knows of yours. christmas goes by. snow falls outside, covering up everything that used to exist between the two of you. when it melts there's nothing underneath but coldness and wetness and dead things. in january you hear that your old school's homecoming is tonight. you remember that she's a cheerleader. she'll be there. since you aren't doing anything at the moment, you text her. are you at the homecoming game? she replies, yeah. you say, i'm coming. she says, okay. you run downstairs and tell your mom that you're going to visit your best friend at school. you miss her so much it's like a physical ache. you are sure that this time it's going to work. it'll be better.

it really sucks when you get there and she gives you another flying tackle-hug, but this time you don't really put your arms around her in response. you wait until she lets go, flouncing into the gymnasium, and you follow. you walk behind her as you head to the bleachers. you see many familiar faces. of course the spot that she provides for you is next to him, while she sits in the row in front of you with the other cheerleaders. you feel awkward, but you make conversation with him, and he shows you pictures of red pandas on his phone. you start talking about doctor who. people who are listening in get really confused as you rant about the perils of time travel. the basketball game is almost over. the homecoming reps are sitting in a row across the gym. you recognize the female rep from your grade - you used to be friends with her. she's wearing a form-fitting golden dress that looks gorgeous on her. your friend catches you looking and makes a remark about how "skanky" the dress looks, and you close your mouth in surprise, casting her a glance. he laughs and pokes her shoulder. "you're such a slut. you're naked under all those clothes."

she laughs, but you are shocked into silence.

it really sucks when the game ends. the gym begins to clear out. you realize that you need a ride home. you left your phone sitting on your dresser. she tells you happily that she and him are going to some restaurant, but the rest of what she says is lost on the noise. before you know it they're on the other side of the gym - she and him - and you race over, slightly bewildered as to what's happening. you tap her on the shoulder. she gives you a quick hug, tells you it was nice seeing you. all around you, little groups of people are chatting and milling about. you pause to say hi to someone you used to know, and when you turn around they're walking out the door, arm in arm. just like that.

it really sucks to stand outside in the cold darkness, but your mother is the type of person who always stays on top of things, and she knew what time the game was ending. she's waiting for you, her car lights blazing through the darkness. you are silent on the ride home. something inside you feels wrong.

it really sucks to cry yourself to sleep. you don't know exactly why you're crying, but at the same time you do. you've been replaced.

it really sucks how you text her the next day anyways. by now you should have realized that she's not going to answer, but you're naïve and you believe that you can still work this out. she doesn't reply to your texts very often, but when she does the conversation lasts two or three replies before she says she has to go, as if she can't take her stupid phone with her wherever she's going. you don't remember what your old inside jokes were, but you remember what your favorite songs were - the ones you shared eternities ago. the good life by onerepublic. sparks fly by taylor swift. you can't listen to them anymore. your mom keeps setting dates for you to get together, but her mom keeps canceling. eventually you stop trying altogether. the lines on both sides are still.

it really sucks how time passes and she's not around, and it's a sunny day in march when you attend the birthday party of one of your best friends in the world. not her - this is a different group of friends. a group that you later realize is more true to you than she ever was. you run wild playing cops and robbers on her cul-de-sac, eating icing out of the container, and watching studio ghibli films. you notice that howl talks like batman. you all laugh when you realize he was played by christian bale. the next day, after you've all slept in the attic, parents come and go and your numbers dwindle until a few select friends remain - just four, including you. you all go to the mall, and she is the farthest thing from your mind. you raid the little accessory shops and peek in all the fancy clothing stores. then you're heading toward american eagle. you've never shopped there before, but your one friend says it's her favorite store, and she grabs your wrist and drags you in, your other two friends ahead of you. they melt into the racks as you enter the store, loud music pulsing over the speakers. someone says hello to you, and you look up in surprise. it is her. good lord, she is here. why the heck is she here? your thoughts scramble. you are not smiling, but she is, and you hate her for it, and suddenly you want to grab her and shake her and scream at her and cry. but you don't. your face is expressionless and your hands are trembling at your sides. her mother is here, acting all jovial like nothing is wrong, and you hate her, too, for never answering your mom's calls. and of course he is here as well. he doesn't say a word to you, but he watches you with some sort of detached interest. she speaks like a whirlwind - sorry i haven't gotten back to you, my phone is broken! my brother dropped it! the dog ate it! it fell in the bathtub! ha! it was nice seeing you! what? you think. but have said not a word in reply, and you turn and watch as they leave. you stare at their retreating heads as if lasers will shoot out of your eyes and send them far away from here, but they're already heading in that direction with no help from you because they want to. they want to get away from you. she wants to do her important shopping and spend time with a boy who is more important to her now than you ever, ever were.

you turn back around and face the store. you can't breathe. you pull out your phone. you put a hand to your head and scrape it across your face. your mind whirls. you walk to where your friends are, and they look at you in concern. are you okay? they ask. i'm going to cry, you declare, and that is exactly what you do. your fingers shake as you dial your mom's number, and you can barely get the words out. it was her. i saw her here and she was with him and she brushed me away like i was nothing. your mom doesn't understand, and she tells you to not let it ruin your time with your friends and that you'll talk about it when you get home and that it'll be okay, and when the conversation is over you cry and cry as your friends give you hugs and reassuring murmurs in the middle of american eagle.

it really sucks that it's may now and that you haven't seen her since then. your wounds are still open, and nothing can close them, even though you are surrounded by people that love you and people whom you love. she doesn't know that you like to draw now and that you have a new phone and new friends and that you got a haircut a little while ago. last time you went on facebook, you saw pictures of him on her profile, in place of pictures that used to be of you. you see a photo of her pushing him down a hospital corridor in a wheelchair, but they both look happy. he was suffering from dizzy spells or headaches or some other ailment that you really don't care about. she puts her life online for all to see, but you are far more reserved, and she will never know that your great aunt, who you love like a grandmother, is sick in the hospital and not doing well. she will never know that your father works in new york for weeks at a time and you miss him desperately. she will never know that your brother just graduated and is leaving early and that you don't know what you'll do with yourself when he's gone. but her life is hers, and yours is yours, and you are not so sure that your friendship could ever come out of this unscathed. in fact, you are sure that it won't. everything is one-sided now. all of the pain lies on you. and that's not how things are supposed to be.

it really sucks how long it took you to realize that you deserve people better than her, and that's why you won't reconcile things if you ever get the chance. you are hoping to finally snag a lunch date with her and her mom soon, simply so that you can say to her face every time that she wronged you. you will cry. maybe even yell a bit, because every time you think of her that's what you want to do - break things. you will make her realize that she can't treat people this way. you will make her realize that one relationship to sacrifice another is not right.

it really sucks that something you thought was beautiful would have to end this way, but some things crash and burn. some lives end in tragedy. some relationships dissolve into heartbreak, and this is not the last time you will experience it. but it is the last time when you will take crap from someone who you used to call a friend. this is the last time that you will allow yourself to get hurt so badly. when this is all over, and you hope that it will end soon, you will finally come out of this brighter than you ever were before.